It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
