haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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