im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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