I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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