eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
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