Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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