Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
