I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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