I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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