Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
