at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
