I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
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It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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