Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
