i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
