He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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