dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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