She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
