You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm having to shit out rocks
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