I accidentally had phone sex last night
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
