i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
