Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
