He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
