Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
