"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
