That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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