y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
