You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
