we have pet lesbian snakes
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
