Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
