seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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