Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
