I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
