splinters make it hard to masturbate
How's work?
Spinning.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
