I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
