id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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