Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
