I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
