at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
