am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
