if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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