did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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