I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
please don't ironically join a cult
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