PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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