Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
