Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
