i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
