Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
