Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
