when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
