OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
