Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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