I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
my poor anus
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
