FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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