I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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