I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
