this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
