is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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