I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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