I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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