Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
