last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
