just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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